Pew to Pilgrim: Forgive Those Who Hurt Us

This Act of Mercy is really hard. It requires us to fully embrace our belief that Christ died for our sins and we will be forgiven. As if looking in the mirror, we ask ourselves if we can be forgiven, why can we not forgive others? Yet Christ calls on us to forgive unconditionally.

Being hurt by someone is something we can all relate to. Often, it is a very painful and long-lasting experience, especially if caused by someone close to you or by someone you trusted. There is a feeling of betrayal, often making it that much harder to forgive.

Possibly one of the most difficult parts of Forgive Offenses Willingly is to forgive before the other person has apologized. This Act of Mercy calls us to proactively forgive without an “I’m sorry” or an “I was wrong.” To reach out and forgive in the absence of another’s accountability creates an incredible state of vulnerability. Again, this is exactly what Christ calls us to do.

Forgiveness has an incredible twist – by forgiving others, we realize an incredible peace. To hold onto offenses hurts us far more than the person we are angry with. We play it over and over in our head and the hurt gets repeated, grows and potentially becomes hardened. It becomes a burden that we carry, regardless of how the other person is feeling or thinking.

As humans, we often have a natural tendency to want to be “right.” We rationalize, we argue, we look for proof that supports our viewpoint that we are right. Letting go of this somewhat righteous view of ourselves is actually a key step in getting to forgiveness. Putting aside our own egos and taking the higher road defines us as Christians and Catholics.

But the Bible also calls for us to love our enemies. One example is Luke 6:28, Jesus says “Bless those who curse you.” In this instance, this means to speak positively about someone or be nice to them when you interact, regardless of how you have been hurt. Think about those in your life you consider “your enemy” – why is that? If you were to treat them differently, how might things change between you? Perhaps treating them with kindness might change how they think of themselves and how they treat others. 

Our society seems to be especially volatile at the moment. One act of hate seems to lead to another, growing as people seek vengeance on their “enemies.” This calls for incredible restraint and a willingness to put a stop to the vicious circle. By extending forgiveness instead of retribution, we offer the possibility of fundamental change. But to forgive does not mean to excuse or to be weak. It does not mean we should assume a passive or victim state. 

Father Mike Schmitz, chaplain for Newman Catholic Campus Ministries at the University of Minnesota Duluth has this practical advice for forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge that there is something to forgive
2. Count precisely what an individual has caused you
3. Don’t say it’s OK or what they did doesn’t matter. Count the cost and then make a decision to release them of their debt

One important aspect of his advice – make sure you do it in the above order. Don’t skip one or do it out of order. It doesn’t work. 

Where to begin? Take the advice of this week’s Profile in Mercy – Stephanie McIntyre. Be patient, be prayerful and persevere. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. 

• Read Prayer of Pope Francis for the Jubilee as a daily prayer of inspiration
• Pray for a person or people who have hurt you
• Go to confession and share the resentment you may have for another person; ask for guidance to forgive
• Send a card or a gift to someone who has hurt you – find some type of acknowledgement of their gift to you
• Call someone you may have hurt and apologize
• Read Pope Francis Bull of Indiction of The Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy - “Mercy will always be greater than any sin, and no one can place limits on the love of God who is ever ready to forgive.”
• Is there someone in your life that seems to be angry or upset with you? Take them out for a cup of coffee to find out what is wrong and apologize to them
• Ask yourself how you judge others – reflect on how merciful God is to you – can you extend the same love to others?
• Set a goal to go a whole day without saying a negative thing about another person
• Stop someone from engaging in gossip with you – offer a forgiving perspective for them to relook at the object of their gossip 
• Buy a bunch of balloons – write the names of all those who have hurt you or those you have struggled to forgive - release them and find peace in forgiveness
• Attend a rosary session at Holy Name and dedicate the session to a particular person you are having a hard time with 
• Sit down with a friend or family member who is holding a long-standing grudge against another person; see how they might find some peace through forgiveness 
• Visit the graveside of someone who passed before you were able to forgive – pray and share your forgiveness
• Confront your enemy – directly ask them why they do things that hurt you – do not make this a blame game and make them defensive; help them understand how you feel

Lori Doyle and Gabi Schultz are members of the Parish Pastoral Council, active with a variety of Liturgical Ministries as Lectors, Extraordinary Ministers, Cathedral Altar Servers and Ministers of Care at Prentice Hospital/NW Hospital. Both parishioners for about 6 years, Lori loves to travel and cook and is a proud mother of her son John, a UM Wolverine. Gabi enjoys trying new restaurants, running, cooking lessons and spending time with friends and family.

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