Listening - Comfort the Afflicted

National Public Radio has a program called This I Believe in which the writer begins by saying, “I believe in….” The writers fill in the blank with anything from science, to love, to fishing, and everything in between (whatever comes between love and fishing, I do not know!).

Should I write a piece for that program it would begin, “I believe in listening....” Listening is, I believe, the root to all compassion. In listening to the heart of another we at once become the non-judgmental presence to another and are able to hold their sorrow, pain, cares, or grief without bringing our own story into the equation. 

In her book Kitchen Table Wisdom Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen says that the best gift we can give someone else is to just listen. “A loving silence,” she says, “often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well intentioned words.” Dr. Remen teaches medical students how to simply be with patients rather than seeing them as “the stomach pain” or “the severe headache” or “terminal cancer.” 

When we give comfort to a person we are not fixing them, we are being with them in their experience. We do not tell them we understand even if we have had a similar experience because we cannot understand what they feel. We can, however, listen to what their experience is telling them. 

As a spiritual companion and one who walks with people who are experiencing grief I cannot bring my own experience of grief or loss to the experience of one I walk beside because their grief is unique to them. My grief informs the way in which I am with others but it is not their grief.

Here’s an example of what people sometimes say to one who has experienced a loss: At least you had him for 40 years. Or this, Another angel is now in heaven. Or perhaps this, At least she’s not suffering any more.

Consider again the gift of a listening presence. If we but sit beside the afflicted and let them say what they need to say we provide the gift of compassion. Sometimes the words, I don’t know are enough. I do not know why there is suffering or pain or loss. I do know that God with us in the mess and the pain and the suffering because God does not leave us.

And maybe, by just listening, compassion will take root in our hearts a little deeper.

Julie Berggren, MA, is Director of Pastoral Care at Holy Name Cathedral. She is a spiritual companion and accompanies those who grieve. She is a gardener and lives with her husband and golden retriever, Poppy. Poppy is the best listener in the house.